WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling “a masterclass in geopolitical improv,” former President Donald Trump reportedly threatened Colombia’s president on Tuesday following what he described as a “light, beautiful invasion” of Venezuela, insisting the entire operation was “totally under control” and “probably the best invasion anyone’s ever seen.”
Standing before a backdrop of flags arranged with no apparent regard for geography, Trump told reporters that U.S. forces had entered Venezuela “very briefly, very politely,” before immediately pivoting to Colombia, which he accused of “not being thankful enough” for the surprise regional destabilization.
“Colombia should be very careful,” Trump warned, wagging a finger for emphasis. “Very strong country, nice country, great coffee—but they’ve been saying things. Nasty things. And I don’t like nasty things.”
The former president claimed the Venezuela operation was necessary to restore “law, order, and very tremendous vibes,” adding that Venezuelans were “crying tears of joy, many of them strong men, big guys,” as tanks allegedly rolled through unnamed locations. When pressed on evidence, Trump clarified that he had “seen it on television,” though he could not recall which channel or continent.
Political analysts struggled to keep up with the rapidly expanding scope of the comments, which appeared to include threats, compliments, historical inaccuracies, and a brief digression into the size of the U.S. military parade he once wanted. “This is less a foreign policy doctrine and more a freestyle rap battle with reality,” said one exhausted expert.
In Bogotá, Colombian officials responded cautiously, issuing a statement reaffirming their commitment to diplomacy while subtly reminding everyone that Colombia had not, in fact, invaded anyone recently. “We are monitoring the situation,” the statement read, diplomatically, “including whatever this is.”
Meanwhile, social media lit up with memes depicting South America as a confused bystander in an argument it did not start. Hashtags like #InvasionButMakeItVague and #GeopoliticsSpeedrun trended worldwide within hours.
Despite the confusion, Trump remained confident. “The world respects strength,” he said. “And nobody does surprise invasions followed by unrelated threats better than me. Nobody.”
At press time, aides were reportedly attempting to locate Venezuela on a map while Trump teased “Phase Two,” which he described only as “very classified, very secret—but Colombia knows what it did.”
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